My Birth Father and Siblings Don’t Know I Exist. Should I Contact Them?

I worry about making a selfish decision.

View in browser|nytimes.com Continue reading the main story August 20, 2022 Illustration by Tomi Um The Ethicist My Birth Father and Siblings Don't Know I Exist. Should I Contact Them? The magazine's Ethicist columnist on whether to break the silence with genetic kinfolk or keep quiet. By Kwame Anthony Appiah When I was born, 55 years ago, my birth mother decided to deliver me to Catholic Charities so that I could be adopted. I was lucky to be raised by loving and caring people who never hid my adoptive status from me. They made it a routine part of my story — much like having blue eyes or being lactose intolerant. It was part of who I am while still being essentially a mystery: I do not know my family medical history nor what time of day I was born nor (until recently) what genetic relatives I might have. Many years later, things have changed. I obtained a legal copy of my birth certificate with my birth mother's name. A DNA test turned up a close relative. Conversations with the relative revealed that my birth mother was — and is — deeply ashamed of my birth, given her religious beliefs. Her husband, who is very likely my birth father, has no idea that I exist. Nor do three genetic siblings. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT The relative has spoken of me to my birth mother, and I have been asked to refrain from any further contact with my genetic family; my birth mother never thought I would be able to learn who she was, let alone find any other genetic kin. The fact that I am a gay man also shames her and conflicts with her deeply held religious beliefs. That she placed a son for adoption and that this son is gay are things she wouldn't want anyone to learn, I've been informed. In short, I am torn. I worry about making a selfish decision. If I accede to her wishes, my birth siblings and my father will be denied the chance to decide whether they want to engage with me in any way. I would not push my presence on them, but I feel, in some ways, that they should be able to make the choice to have me as a part (however small or large) of their lives. If I do not accede to her wishes, it feels like a violation of whatever agreement she entered into when she made what was likely a heart-wrenching decision in the late 1960s, a period in which we thought differently as a society about many things. Is contacting my genetic siblings just a selfish, self-justifying unethical act? Or does my silence amount to complicity in keeping information from family members who might want to know? Read the Ethicist's response here. Subscribe Today We hope you've enjoyed this newsletter, which is made possible through subscriber support. Subscribe to The New York Times with this special offer. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT THIS WEEK'S MAGAZINE Philip Montgomery for The New York Times Willie Nelson's Long Encore As he approaches 90, even brushes with death can't keep him off the road — or dim a late-life creative burst. By Jody Rosen TikTok Audio Memes Are Everywhere. How Do They Work? Welcome to the era of the audio meme, a time when replicable units of sound are a cultural currency as strong as — if not stronger than — images and text. By Charlotte Shane Peter van Agtmael/Magnum, for The New York Times The Arizona Republican Party's Anti-Democracy Experiment First, it turned against the establishment. Now it has set its sights on democracy — the principles, the process and even the word itself. By Robert Draper Photo illustration by Bráulio Amado Talk Her Discovery Changed the World. How Does She Think We Should Use It? "It's a little scary, quite honestly," says Dr. Jennifer Doudna, who helped develop CRISPR gene-editing technology. By David Marchese MORE FROM THE MAGAZINE Chris Simpson for The New York Times. Food stylist: Maggie Ruggiero. Prop stylist: Sophia Pappas. Late Summer Tomatoes Are Perfect for Spaghetti al Pomodoro The purest distillation of summer umami with just four ingredients. By Eric Kim Illustration by Paola Saliby Letter of Recommendation The Case for Writing Fan Mail When I'm truly possessed by an artist's work, I let them know. It's a way to turn distant admiration into intimacy, even when they don't reply. By Rachael Bedard Photo illustration by Ina Jang Diagnosis She Couldn't Stand Still Without Pain. What Was Wrong? Her legs felt heavy, as if her feet were encased in lead. A telltale sound was the key clue in diagnosing her rare disorder. By Lisa Sanders, M.D. Photo illustration by Mark Weaver When the American Dream of the Open Road Hits Traffic NASCAR takes to the streets of Chicago — merging computer-generated fantasy with reality. By Peter C. Baker Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy Judge John Hodgman on the Egg Order A husband wants his wife to decide how they should be cooked. By John Hodgman Illustration by R. O. Blechman Poem: Second Attack The syntax in this poem mimics the confusing and untidy emotional landscape of relationships. By Jana Prikryl and Victoria Chang Stay in touch: Follow us on Twitter (@NYTmag) or check us out on Instagram. Appreciated this email? Forward it to a friend and help us grow. Loved a story? Hated it? Write us a letter at magazine@nytimes.com. Did a friend forward this to you? Sign up here to get the magazine newsletter. Listen to narrated versions of our articles every week. Download Audm for iPhone or Android. Continue reading the main story Need help? Review our newsletter help page or contact us for assistance. You received this email because you signed up for The New York Times Magazine from The New York Times. To stop receiving these emails, unsubscribe or manage your email preferences. Subscribe to The TimesGet The New York Times app Connect with us on: Change Your EmailPrivacy PolicyContact UsCalifornia Notices The New York Times Company. 620 Eighth Avenue New York, NY 10018